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Posts Tagged ‘God’

I love this image but I find myself doubting it’s validity.

I’ve found myself struggling lately with God, with the idea that He has any power, at times with the idea that he is even there. I was raised believing in God and where I have had minor moments of doubt they’ve been short lived and more a rebellious teen thing than anything thing else. I wasn’t very good at it, the whole rebelling thing wasn’t me and rebelling against God and my ever important faith wasn’t in me, not truly. So that fact that this has become a struggle for me is terrifying…it’s almost worse than the situation causing he doubt.
You see my Father, my Dad, my Daddy…no my Papa is dying and there is nothing anyone can do about it, apparently not even God. But that’s not true, if God truly is all powerful as we are taught he could do something he just chooses not to. He chooses to allow him to suffer and slowly die. He chooses to watch those of us who love him suffer as we slowly watch him change, loose himself, and die.

I went to church this morning for the first time in just over a month, not that anyone noticed my absence but that’s a separate issue. I’ve been so angry at God for so long now that I didn’t want to be there. I realized in conversation with someone the other day that I am loosing my faith. I am loosing my belief that God cares about us…if he cares why would he allow this kind of suffering? I went to church in hopes of finding Him…finding understanding for why this is happening. As I sat in the back of the church listening to the liturgy I love and have always found comfort in…I felt alone. I couldn’t find Him. For the first time in my life I went to church and didn’t take communion. Partly cause I was taught not to if I was harboring anger towards anyone and I figure God counts here, and partially cause in that moment I didn’t see the point.

I’m torn, I’m angry at God! I am. So he must be there, you can’t be angry at something that isn’t there but maybe I’m wrong, maybe what I’ve always believed is a lie, maybe he isn’t there…or maybe he is and just doesn’t care.

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I have found that making decisions can be a really big pain, sometimes.  I was super excited a year ago when I started perusing my degree in Psychology at Liberty University.  When I first started looking at the school my Dad warned me that I might find their Theological and religious teaching challenging.  Liberty is a conservative Baptist University.  I figured this would mean we might disagree on things like homosexuality and women priests I never thought I would have issues where I was declared to, basically, not be a Christian in their eyes because I saw things a little differently.

I never thought I would have a classmate tell me I was not really a Christian because you cannot be raised one.  You have to have a huge change of heart to become a Christian.  My accepting Jesus at eight, with some confusion because I thought I already had (another story for another time…funny eight-year-old mind thing), was not good enough.  I was not old enough to make that choice… blah blah blah.  I never thought I would have someone tell be that God HATES ALL human beings or that Jesus did not come to earth to save us. (ummmm…yeah…ok!)  I never thought I would fail a test because I answered a question, regarding belief in God (only Christians believe in a big G God, not Jews, or anyone else… hehehehe), wrong.  I never thought I would read in a textbook about theology, how only Liberal Christians (like Catholics…hmmmm) wrongly believe in baptism of babies or not through full immersion, that those types of baptism are invalid.  That only crazy people believe in the real presence (big deal to me) at communion and so on and so forth.  I completely shut down last quarter as everything I read for my required Theology class attacked my beliefs, attacked my faith, and attacked my existence as a Christian.  I failed a class that should have been easy because it was so harsh and I was so frustrated.  I do not have issues with people having a different stand or belief than I do.  I have issues with the idea of attacking others.  I have issues with a class that is described as teaching the basic tenants of Christian faith but teaches only one view and attacks all others.  I have spent much of the last year wondering about where Love comes into all this crap.

I have just started taking two survey courses of the bible (old and new) and already find that where we are being taught various views on the Old Testament we are also being told that any view other than Liberty’s  is wrong and therefore ‘Evil’ (my interpretation).  I agree with some of what they are teaching, disagree with other aspects, and do not give a flying fig about others, but I am not dammed to hell because of any of it.  My last and final rant on this topic is the 30 minute altar call (for lack of a better word) at the end of one of the five one hour video lectures I had to watch last week.  If I am at a Christian University I am probably already a Christian, I am not paying nearly 1200 a class for this.  Nor am I paying to get a migraine from the stress.

So back to the beginning, decision can really be a pain in the…  J I have changed schools; changed degrees more times than I want to think about as I worked to figure out what I am doing with my life.  I am considering it again, I want to attend a Christian school, I love learning about different believes and views on things.  I even do not mind having my believes challenged but I do not like having to regurgitate, with no discussion, information that I do not believe in order to pass a course.  Yes, if I had not checked out mentally, I could have passed my theology course, but I also would have had to compromise everything I believe to do it.

Now what do I do?  Do I continue at Liberty?  Do I drop my Biblical Studies Minor, switch to straight Psych without Christian counseling, and get my degree from Liberty because I do not want to change schools?  Do I change schools?  If so do I hope to find another Christian online program?  Or do I go secular?  What to do?  Of course in all of this comes the question of why Liberty?  I felt God directing me there but why?  To teach discernment in choosing?  To challenge me in knowing what I believe and why?  Of course, there is always that niggling voice in the back of my head that says, or was it because everything I believe is wrong?  I have trouble believing that last reason.  What do you think?

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