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Posts Tagged ‘anger’

I have spent a lot of time over the past couple of years considering writing this and due to the realities of our world I don’t. I feel the fear that comes with the stigmatization of mental health. I started fighting that fear a few years ago. I finally accepted my own anxiety issues and began admitting them not only to the outside world but more importantly to myself.
You see for a large part of my life as I was growing up my dad tried to get me to admit and seek help. This always caused a battle between us, as my words often offended him as his offended and scared me. He’d label me as depressed, or manic, or he didn’t know what but he saw the struggles. He saw his child who hid from people in a large setting, saw his child who was up and down emotionally, who had a temper that was explosive and got her in trouble. I don’t think he saw the child who was just hurting because of the words she heard from the people in her world.
He didn’t see the child who was effected negatively by always being the new kid. By being the one who didn’t fit in and who was teased mercilessly by the other kids. Whose own friends occasionally got in on the action because that’s the life of a teenager. 
As I was growing I heard, accepted, and internalized the wicked and hurtful things that were said to and about me. Those voices, those words became my internal voice. Nearly a two decade after those evil words have mostly stopped I still hear them. I hear them in every unanswered text or message. I hear them in the seemingly ignored posts. I hear them when spending time with friends…thinking thinking thinking, second guessing everything I say and do. Wondering if they really want me around or if they’re just pitying me.
Even when being told that I am amazing, that I am loved…I hear the voices telling me this can’t be true. That those saying that just want something from me. A part knows that’s not true but the voices from the past can be so much louder than the ones in the present. 
Those voice cause me to be anxious in a crowd. They cause me to be anxious whenever doing anything new. They make me afraid of new people, and old friends, afraid of what they are truly thinking.
They cause issues of depression. They cause me to think that I am worthless and unloved. They cause me to feel like everyone would be better off with out me (a piece of my brain always kicks in right here screaming that the voices lie, it’s quiet a battle between the heart and the head). When I make mistakes it’s like I’ve ruined everything and made things 100 times worse than even humanly possible. 
I am learning to love myself, I am learning to ignore the voices of my past, the voices that LIE to me. I know that in the moments that the voices are screaming myself doubt becomes trying, but know that I am trying. I am fighting it with all that I have and am and I will win.

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I’ve been thinking a lot over the past few days about the nature of words, the nature of friendship, and how things can so easily fall apart.

I’ve had the line “Careful the things you say Children will listen. Careful the things you do Children will see, and learn” from an Into the Woods song going through my head the past few days.  This doesn’t just apply to children it applies to all people. We hear what is said to and about us. We see your actions and it affects us and you.

I’ve watched as friendships have exploded over words throughout the past few days.  I watched as one friend had the cruelest of comments made to her…someone she thought she knew and cared about searched their knowledge of whom she was for the meanest things he could say. I watched as a friend told lies about me, maybe a small lie but a lie none the less. I watched as myself and friends were attacked and bullied for trying to keep people safe. For trying to honor and respect all needs. For not thinking that it’s ok to tell people with mental health issues to ‘suck it up buttercup’ or ‘pull up their big girl pants and deal’ with something that could push them over the edge in their depression or what not.

I watched as I tried to understand all sides of the issue and I was attacked for not automatic agreement and told I was harassing as I sought clarity and understanding, as I tried to save a friendship not worth saving.

I understand being hurt; I understand being angry…it’s ok to feel it is part of being human. It is not ok to be cruel. It is not ok to attack someone for not blindly following you and agreeing with you. It is not ok to tell people that their feelings don’t matter, that only your thoughts and feelings do.  It is not ok to lie about people to get your way. People listen and hear your words. People apply those words and ideas to themselves and learn from them.

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I love this image but I find myself doubting it’s validity.

I’ve found myself struggling lately with God, with the idea that He has any power, at times with the idea that he is even there. I was raised believing in God and where I have had minor moments of doubt they’ve been short lived and more a rebellious teen thing than anything thing else. I wasn’t very good at it, the whole rebelling thing wasn’t me and rebelling against God and my ever important faith wasn’t in me, not truly. So that fact that this has become a struggle for me is terrifying…it’s almost worse than the situation causing he doubt.
You see my Father, my Dad, my Daddy…no my Papa is dying and there is nothing anyone can do about it, apparently not even God. But that’s not true, if God truly is all powerful as we are taught he could do something he just chooses not to. He chooses to allow him to suffer and slowly die. He chooses to watch those of us who love him suffer as we slowly watch him change, loose himself, and die.

I went to church this morning for the first time in just over a month, not that anyone noticed my absence but that’s a separate issue. I’ve been so angry at God for so long now that I didn’t want to be there. I realized in conversation with someone the other day that I am loosing my faith. I am loosing my belief that God cares about us…if he cares why would he allow this kind of suffering? I went to church in hopes of finding Him…finding understanding for why this is happening. As I sat in the back of the church listening to the liturgy I love and have always found comfort in…I felt alone. I couldn’t find Him. For the first time in my life I went to church and didn’t take communion. Partly cause I was taught not to if I was harboring anger towards anyone and I figure God counts here, and partially cause in that moment I didn’t see the point.

I’m torn, I’m angry at God! I am. So he must be there, you can’t be angry at something that isn’t there but maybe I’m wrong, maybe what I’ve always believed is a lie, maybe he isn’t there…or maybe he is and just doesn’t care.

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