Archive for March, 2015

My Grandmother is dying.  In all reality we are all dying, but Grandma has been in the process of dying for many years.  There have many instances over the last seven years or so in which we thought we were going to lose her.  This time it’s not a matter of if but when.

My Grandma Evelyn is the last of my Grandparents, she is about four weeks from her 98th birthday.  I was blest to have all four of my grandparents in my life for 23 years.  Over the last seven years I’ve lost many of my family member and have handled some better than others.  But I digress.  

My Grandma is dying.  I have such a terrible mix of feelings regarding this.  There is a part of me that just wants her to get on with is.  Which is an awful thing for a Granddaughter to think, for anyone to think.  The problem is for the last few years she has been telling us, at least my mom and I, that she’s lonely, that she’s tired, that she missed Don (her husband) and Steve (her son).  But when we tell her that it’s ok, she can let go and be with them.  She tells us that no no she’s fine.  She doesn’t want to die, she’s happy, blah blah blah.  

She is a good Christian Woman who believes in Heaven, talks often about how she knows those we’ve lost are in heaven and yet she’s afraid.  I know from conversations with my father, who’s an Episcopal Priest, that this unsureness is normal.  I also know as he’s in many ways her cleric, who she’s goes to with religion and faith based issues, that she’s afraid that she not good enough.

Over the past few months she taken a turn for the worse.  It’s less and less frequent that she recognizes her family, most days she has no idea who my Mom is and yet she spends hours every day with her.  

About a week and a half ago I went to visit my grandma, due to being sick I hadn’t seen her in about a month and a half.   When I first got there she knew who I was, but as time progressed I went to being her daughter, my mom and my mom who was there was an unknown entity, to being my Cousin Shannon (if you know my cousin the idea of confusing us is pretty stinkin’ funny).  When we left I think I was myself again but I’m not sure.  Mom says she remembered that I was there, so that’s a plus I guess.  But she was in good spirits, sitting up in her chair is drifting in and out of consciousness.

Not long after this this visit it was decided that for her safety, she tried to leave the floor saying she was going home with her Daddy, she needed a nurse with her 24/7.

Jump forward to two days ago.  After having dinner with my folks we went to grandma’s room.  She knew who I was when we arrived, telling the nurse in a garbled and grainy voice that I was her granddaughter.  But she was agitated, wanted desperately to get out of bed but couldn’t, was flailing her legs and gripping to mom’s and my hands like we were a life line.  She looked frail, and unkempt (a situation in which I would never have thought to find her), she was not the woman I knew.  Mom and I sung to her trying to sooth her frustration, her agitation, her confusion.  She began, singing/talking incomprehensively and got more and more agitated.  At one point I had knelt down by her bed as to not be looking down on her as I soothed, hushed, and expressed my love in a way I would settle on of my upset children.  

It was not long after this that she stopped singing/talking and became even more agitated.  Looking at me with such hatred and anger in her eyes that I backed away in fear and then sorrow.  I know in my head that in that moment she had know idea who I was but am having trouble expressing it to my heart.

During our time with her she expressed her need, desire (?), to go, to leave and by no stretch of the imagination did I think that she meant the room, she meant this world.  Now that she is ready to let go it’s as if she can’t.  I find myself battling between frustration with her need to be ok because she told Don she would be, her words, and God for not having taken her before this pain.  She is now 100% dying and she is dying in a painful and awful way.  There is nothing anyone can do but try and make it better but even then she’s so lost that it’s nearly impossible. 

I find myself begging God to take her home, to make it better, to end her suffering, and my Mom’s.  My mom is not her only family left but she is the constant Rock going back daily, multiple times a day, to try and help ease her pain.  Doing something that makes me realize just how strong my Mom is.  

Throughout the day yesterday she had periods of time in which she stopped breathing.  The end we know is near.  There is a part of me that will be so relived when she is gone, no longer suffering, and there is a part of my that will and is grieving the loss of my grandmother.  An amazing woman who was so strong for so many years. 


My Grandma and I in better days this past summer. 



Read Full Post »

What to do, What to do?

Do you ever feel like you’re being guided to something but you don’t know what? A week or so ago I decided that it was time for a change. Due to financial struggles since the New Year and changes with the needs of the families I Nannie for I was debating what life held in store for me. 

Many years ago I left teaching due to a number of reasons that I won’t go into but I needed a change. I spent a year and a half living as an unemployed student living of the kindness of my family. When we returned to the greater Seattle area I sorta fell into a Nanny Job. I loved it, I think mostly because I loved the family. Much of my expectations for children were there expectations. So we settled into a nice rhythm, they quickly accepted me as a part of their family and I came to love not only the children but to also care about the lives of the parents. I was saddened when they moved away. 

I mention all this because in many ways there moving was the catalyst to my trying to figure out what was next in my life.

I’ve always loved working with kids, teaching, being there for those ‘ah-ha’ moments when everything clicks for the first time. I’ve also always felt that part of my calling in working with children was helping to grow their faith. To help facilitate that trust and knowledge of God and Christ that I was blest to have growing up.  

As I thought about what my life held I knew that I needed to go back into teaching so the first thing I did was reach out to my old boss. But his decision ignored part of what I was called to do. Being that my old center is a secular preschool where God is a four letter word. I was amazed as I prepared for the interview how apprehensive I was, how totally uncomfortable I was during the interview, the whole process was wrong somehow. 

In the process of making my decision I posted to facebook that I was looking for a job and that I would appreciate any leads. An old co-worker and friend directed me toward a Christian school in the area. So I did a modicum or research and sent the director and email and my resume. Much to my surprise I receive a rather quick response and request for a meeting. 

Unlike my preparations for the interview with my old center I was amazed by how much less nervous I was. Everyone gets a little nervous before an interview this was the normal nerves. I felt as I got out of my car and headed for the office as ease. It felt right. 

I don’t know that they’ll offer me a job and if they do it’s months away as they are closed during the summer but I do know this, no matter what the future holds It’s time to follow the guidance I’m being given before God pulls out the 2×4 that he always seems to need to use to direct my course.

Read Full Post »