Archive for January, 2013

Over the past few months, I have been forced to take a hard look at myself.  Like anyone, I have some remarkable personal qualities and some downright terrible ones.  I have this wonderful ability to push people away by needing to do things myself, having that ‘If you want it done right you have to do it yourself’ mentality.  I have sadly hurt some truly amazing people, and missed some great opportunities because of this.  I think this ‘perfectionism’ and my ability to say things in the harshest possible ways are by two greatest flaws as a person.  I have been lucky that I have had remarkable people come across my path over the past seven and a half years who regardless of the issues saw the good and challenged me to better myself.  Unfortunately, as much as I was aware of these issues it took living in a very small place with two people whose opinions mean the most to me, and some remarks from a third, that made me realize as much as I have grown there is a long way to go.  If I am going to follow my heart and achieve my goals of guiding and helping the next generation in achieving greatness, I need to first figure out how to guide myself towards being the person I wish to be.

Once again the song ‘The Girl I Mean to Be’ from the Secret Garden comes to mind.  At one time in my life I was very much the image of Mary Lennox, quite contrary, and I have grown and changed in my life but there is still a long way to go before I can be like the happy and healthy girl, in my case woman, at the end of the story.

Part of becoming ‘The Girl I Mean to Be’ is becoming a healthier me.  I have struggled with my weight and body image all my life.  When I was young, I had some I looked up to tell me repeatedly I was fat and ugly and I believed it, and if I was already fat, and ugly, what did it matter.  It has taken me a long time to accept and love myself as I am, but as much as I do not look in the mirror and see the fat, ugly little girl I do see a young woman who need to take better care of herself.  I have attempted many a diet in my life without much effect and I think if part of it was that I kept it a secret, there was no one to hold me accountable.  So that’s what this is, my way of shouting it from the roof tops, I plan to be more active, to eat better and allow everyone and anyone who wishes to help me stay accountable to these goals.  I have a long road ahead of me, heck it is a mountain but I will make it to the top.

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