It’s interesting I have always had anxiety and some of the depression that comes with the invasiveness of anxiety ridden thoughts. I have always just said “It’s who I am” and tried to find the good in a brain that looks for all the bad things, all the dangers, all the wrongs. I worked to ignore the part that tells me I’m not worthy, I suck, that people don’t like me, that they sre judging all my actions, all I do is wrong and I should hide who I am. I never really realized how much this ruled my life until this week.
In early November I hit a low that scared me. I hit a point in my battle with depression where I was always sad, I was always overwhelmed, I was always on the brink of tears, where I didn’t want to get up in the morning, where I didn’t find joy in my life, in the things that I usually love…it lit a fire under my terrified butt and I reached out.
For years, I’ve kind of joked that I should probably be medicated but that was as far as it went. I listened to the anxiety brain that said no, people will judge, it’s the easy way out, you need to figure this out and fight it, you can’t admit the reality of your inner thoughts. Let me say that I never thought this way for others, I was always an advocate for getting help, getting counseling, getting medication if needed, this thought process only applied to me, it was not rational but then neither is mental illness.
I was finally scared enough that I was able to ignore that voice and made an appointment with my doctor, yes, I dithered a week or two but hey, I followed through. I then promptly told members of my support system so that I couldn’t back out. I was brutally honest on the appointment survey and when I met via phone with my doctor, who was amazing and kind and gentle. She asked some hard questions and I had to go further in admitting what was happening in my head than I had to that point.
I have now been taking medication for anxiety and depression for about a week and a half and where I am still adjusting and working up to my ‘full’ dosage it’s amazing how much has changed. I never really realized how much of who I was was covered and clouded by the anxiety. In the first week I found myself being sassier, maybe not a good thing but I wasn’t afraid to be me with the people in my life especially with my sassy pants co-workers. I’ve also found that I am happier, I am less concerned with the little things. I think the best thing was a comment made today by a friend and trusted support that they feel like their getting to know the real me, seeing who I really am.
Life isn’t perfect and yeah the world is still falling apart but it’s not the only thing I can see, feel, and focus on, I see the rainbows and the sunshine…I see, feel, and enjoy the good as well.
If you need it Medication is good, it’s ok to get the help you need and don’t let your brain tell you otherwise. Don’t suffer because you are listening to the lying words of Mental health issues.